I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
