so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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