Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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