ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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