Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
3pm strippers are depressing
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
