Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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