And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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