Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
