im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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