It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
