Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
