I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
