I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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