apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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