Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize