i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I want her autograph on my taint
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
