Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
