i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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