they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
