Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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