The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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