just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
