a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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