Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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