After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
