All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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