she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
