I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize