the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
