Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
