Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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