There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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