Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
