My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
