I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
