Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
