Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
