ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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