Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Is it penis luge time yet?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
