you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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