You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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