Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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