She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
