Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Randomize
