I am in a vortex of obligation.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
