I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
