the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
