You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
