i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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