May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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