I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
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