next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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