May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
