my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
