Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
