i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
