I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
