you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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