she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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