Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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