I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
