I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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