The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
