This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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