apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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