I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
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