I just threw up on my dentist
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
